There’s something that is preoccupying me whenever I’m at work lately. I feel frustrated and paranoid but it’s something that I can’t just vent out carelessly in a blog for fear of being dooced. That in itself is frustrating yet again. So, let me see if I can explain what I’m experiencing in another (and short) way.

I’m used to people looking up to me and my abilities. When that confidence in my abilities is not apparent, I usually begin to feel paranoid. Am I not meeting expectations? Am I thought less of? Am I not good enough? Am I as bad as that guy who got poked fun of that left the other day? People I talked to assured me that this wasn’t the case at all. And yet, I don’t believe it.

In retrospect, I think it’s just me being silly. I sort of hate myself for feeling frustrated and paranoid, actually. I wonder if this paranoia is a by-product of aging. I used to be very optimistic (ask Raquel), but lately, I find myself more and more cynical with the world and of everybody around me. I also used to be a very cheerful and friendly person. But, nowadays, I feel more introverted. Sometimes, it’s only through force of will that I engage in conversation with somebody else. Then again, maybe it’s just me not in the mood to speak out loud in English.

After having thought about it some more, I’ve decided not to let this kind of thing get me down. I’ll try to be more positive and just do my best whether or not my best is appreciated. The joy of being able to accomplish things (and, ok, my salary) should be enough reward for the work I do.

Of course, this is all easier said than done. Hopefully, it’s just a phase and I’ll feel a lot sunnier again soon.

Published in: on August 10, 2006 at 8:10 pm  Leave a Comment