I know I’m still relatively young to be thinking about aging and inevitable mortality but there are days when I just zone out and think about what it would be like a couple of decades from now. I’d be in my fifties possibly afflicted with some sort of chronic ailment thinking about the good old days when I was an invincible adolescent. I don’t know why I think about such things but I do. And thinking about it depresses me.

Sometimes, I imagine being executed either through lethal injection. What would it be like? What would I see after death? Am I awake one moment then suddenly I’m in a dreamless sleep the next? If the atheists are right and that there is no God and no heaven, would I just cease to exist upon my death? Should I just accept that as the end? I supposed it could be comforting in some way in that after a long time of living, one can finally just sleep and never wake up. I guess it shouldn’t really matter to the dead person. He wouldn’t know any different.

And if there is God and there is Heaven and Hell, what then? One moment I’m dying and then the next I’m either up in Heaven or burning forever in Hell. I sometimes imagine dying and then popping up in Hell where I will suffer for my sins the next eternity or two, burning in a vat of boiling magma yet never ever really dying. It’s a horrible thought. Sometimes, I imagine I go to Heaven. But then, what do I do there for eternity? Would it be all fun forever? Would it eventually get boring? I suppose it’s something I’ll never fathom with my mortal mind.

I sometimes imagine what if instead of suddenly being in either Heaven or Hell after death, I just find myself awake on the ground surrounded by other people also just waking up and then I look up and see God preparing for the Last Judgment where all those unworthy would be thrown in Hell with the Devil and his minions to suffer for all time. I imagine it would feel worse than waiting for your turn at the dentist.

I remembered when I was having my kidney stone episode a couple of years ago, the pain was so intense and unrelenting that I honestly thought that death might have been an better alternative than continue enduring the pain. I guess, that’s when I first ever thought about my own mortality. That’s when I first thought about what it would be like to die.

Even though I’ve been thinking about my own mortality, it doesn’t mean I want to die… yet. Dying actually scares me. After imagining being dead for a minute, I snap back to reality with my heart slightly pounding from the despair of it all.

So, in the end, what’s the point of this post? Nothing, really. It’s just something that has me pre-occupied at random times and I wanted to talk about it with someone. Actually, I already did by talking to Raquel. Anyway, I wish I was 20-something again. I wish I was that invincible youth again. I wish.

Published in: on June 14, 2006 at 12:00 pm  Comments (8)