I Just Don’t Know What To Do With Myself

The following blog was originally posted from my old blog, The Geejay Journal:

That was my thought last night before going to bed. I was feeling depressed and Raquel noticed this so she asked me what is wrong. I couldn’t put into words what I was really feeling but I this statement comes close: There are a lot of things I’d like to do in this lifetime but there just doesn’t seem to be enough time for them.

As some of you know, I am writing/drawing this fantasy webcomic (which hasn’t updated for a few weeks now by the way). I do like telling the story but I find drawing the story too much of a hassle nowadays. Although I may have some free time to spare to draw the comic pages, I’d always do something else like play PC games or read Stephen King’s Gunslinger or study Visual Basic .NET or watch TV/DVDs.

I think I’ve grown tired of the comic creation biz. Since my art isn’t really that good (compared to awesome artists I admire), the acknowledgement of that fact only serves to discourage me from drawing.

And yet, I still want to continue telling stories. I suppose I could just move on to writing instead. I find it quicker to just type in the words than to decide how a comic panel should be drawn (what camera angle to use, what panel to draw next, should it be a close-up or a long shot, etc).

However, I’m not the best writer around neither. I’m sure there are people who would find my writing “style” quite boring and unengaging (if there is such a word). And as you’ll notice, I tend to write passive sentences (boring) more than active sentences (not-so-boring). My mediocrity in this field serves to discourage me from writing seriously.

Although, I suppose that with continuous writing practice, I’d eventually get better with it. But I fear there is this one big roadblock that I will find difficult to overcome if I intend to write for an Australian audience. That is, I’m more proficient in writing in American English than in Australian English.

Though there shouldn’t be too much of a difference between American and Australian English, my writing style would betray my non-Australian upbringing. I’m more comfortable using American colloquialisms than Australian. Like right now, I cannot get myself to call anybody “mate”. I’ll still call them “man” or “sir” or “buddy”. So instead of “Hey, mate, do you reckon she’ll be right?” I’d say “Hey, buddy, do you think it’ll be all right?”

Using Australian colloquialism is not too difficult to use/imitate but would my written works sound to locals as genuine or as they say, fair dinkum? There was a short story writing contest for the local newspaper recently but I shied from participating because of that “fear” of sounding like a foreigner.

I suppose that I shouldn’t care because, well, I *am* a foreigner here. Also, I do realise that I probably had a chance at winning in that contest whether I wrote it in American or Australian if the story was really good. Too late for that now.

If not writing a story, writing a series of essays regarding my Filipino heritage, culture and history appeal to me as well. There are a lot of Filipinos noweadays who have no idea of their cultural heritage or at least have no appreciation for it. I’m hoping to make a website that can attract people to read more about my culture.

Would people read it? Perhaps not. The thought of pouring all that effort into that endeavor with nobody to appreciate it is another deterrent for me to even start work on this idea. Some of you may say that I should do something out of love rather than out of want for fame. I used to think that way, too, but I’ve since admitted to myself that I need to know that what I’m making makes a difference to others otherwise I will lose interest in the endeavour.

I’m also considering just doing what a most people do with their spare time and that is, in a way, do nothing. I could just spend the rest of my evening doing more of what I do already: watch TV/DVDs, play PC games and read books. Just input, no output at all. Admittedly, it is the effortless thing to do in my free time. Relatively stress free (with the exception of the times I may be losing on a network PC game of course).

But the thought of a life like that triggered a discontent feeling in me that just cannot bear the idea of not creating anything. Well, there’s still this blog, right?

Well, other than my indecision with what to do with my free time, there’s also the issue of not having a lot of friends here in Melbourne. Hm. Like that line in the song says, I just don’t know what to do with myself.

Published in: on November 9, 2004 at 5:54 pm  Leave a Comment